I Have the Courage To....

I have the courage to love myself-to have control over my emotions-to say yes more to my children- to say no to my children and not feel guilty- unabashedly love God- challenge my thoughts- make decisions- be imperfect- to send my kids on the bus and not feel bad- laugh more- be loved- love my children- take time for myself- love life- be spontaneous- be guilt free- accept change- not be angry- be positive- not be in a hurry or rushed-be encouraging to others-act on truth not emotions....

I have this hanging on my mirror in my bathroom to read to myself every morning before I start my day. Kind of a pep talk to myself. I keep adding to it as I realize things I need to have courage to do.I encourage you to make a list of your own and read it to yourself once a day or once a week!

So What do you have the courage to.....?

Thousand Mile Stare

Thousand Mile Stare is the title of a book just published by Matt's father’s cousin, Gary Reiswig. It chronicles the story of Gary, his father, his grandfather, and the Reiswig family in general. Specifically, it deals with the very rare gene this family has. (Here’s a short New York Times video about it.)

Some of you are already aware of this history, but we’re sure others are not. In the past, we didn’t make it public knowledge out of respect for Matt's parents’ wishes and concerns about job security and insurance issues. But now, thanks to Lawrence’s early retirement and recent legislation by Congress protecting Americans from “genetic discrimination,” we’re ready to talk about it. Hopefully this will be somewhat therapeutic since this topic has dominated our thoughts, especially in recent weeks.

Going back hundreds of years, back through Russia, and even earlier, in Germany, the Reiswigs have had a family history of early-onset Alzheimer’s disease. Thanks to the family’s participation in research projects, we now know that this is due to one particular gene, the one that Matt's grandfather and uncle had, and which is now affecting his dad. The scientists say that each child of an affected parent has a 50-50 chance of having the gene, but as it has played out in Matt's extended family, the odds don’t seem to be that good. Onset usually occurs in the late forties or early fifties, but can come as late as the mid- to late fifties, as in Matt's dad. Matt's grandfather was symptomatic in his late thirties.

There are new discoveries and drug trials taking place each year, and at a faster rate than in earlier decades. We are very grateful for this. We’ve decided that we want to be as proactive as we can to help find treatments or preventions for this disease. Obviously, we’re hoping that any breakthroughs will help our family; but scientists also believe that studying early-onset patients will help them find treatments for the much more common sporadic-onset Alhzeimer’s cases.

Thanks to Gary’s book, we learned about an international study that is taking place, the most important of its kind to date. Marty and his brother Matt have volunteered to be part of this research. We (Matt, Kristin, Marty, Matt's brother, and Jaclyn, and Marty's wife) will be flying to St. Louis early in April for five days of poking, prodding, scanning, and testing. (For the boys. The girls are there for moral support.) In one of our planning emails, Matt referred to this trip as The Worst Possible Vacation Ever. The name stuck, and now we just refer to it as TWPVE. In a twisted way, we’re looking forward to such an extended period of time together–with no kids!–and all expenses paid by the study.

As we’ve gotten more involved in the Alhzeimer’s community, we’ve learned that we’re something of celebrities. Matt's grandmother, Ester, helped us earn this dubious distinction by being outspoken about the “family problem”–even testifying about it before Congress– at a time when no one in the family wanted to talk about it. The name Reiswig is familiar to everyone who’s anyone in the world of early-onset Alzheimer’s research.

While we can think of a few billion things we’d rather be known for, we are grateful for the opportunity to do something proactive about it. As you can imagine, this is a difficult and emotional thing for our family. We’re trying to figure out how to navigate it while trusting the Lord, being honest about our fears, and keeping our sense of humor intact (as evidenced by TWPVE.) We appreciate your prayers whenever you think of it, and we’ll keep you posted.

Surrender and Starting Over

A friend once told me "Though you can not go back and start again, you can start from now and make a new end".

In the beginning of the year I took some me time. The waves of life crashing over me and drowning me. I knew it was time to fess up, clean this old house. It was time to breath in and let everything out, that I've wanted to say for so many years time to release all my held back tears. I didn't know how long I was going to be gone or how long it would take. But in the end I took time for myself (two weeks) to reflect on how I could "start form now and make a new end". I reflected on changes I needed to make in my realtionship with God, the way I thought about myself, the way I reacted to life, my lack of contetment, the relationships with others in my life and how I could try to live guilt free. I knew the way I was behvaing and feeling inside were not right. It took some real soul searching and courage to face the things I needed to do. It was hard to surrender to what I could not see. But I did it! I have never felt so at peace with myself and happy.

Honestly, before this happened, I can't tell you the last time I felt happy and not hopeless. Some people reading this may be surprised in hearing that. You see me as a the happy, outgoing, fun person. Please know and have compassion for people because you never really know what people are going through on the inside. Others were getting the best of me while myself and my family were not. The burdens of being a wife, mother, step mom, in a marriage with an unreasonable ex-wife attached to it, a daughter, sister, etc. were weighing heavily on my heart and soul. I know life takes its toll on everyone but the way I was dealing with these problems, internalizing them, and reacting were unhealthy (no i did not have any sort of addictions). I needed time to heal and move on. Time to fix what had been broken too long. I wanted to make right what had been wrong. I wanted to find my way to where I belonged, back to who I really am and who God wants me to be.

At the end of the two weeks I came home a new person, the person I used to be before life's responsibilities and heartache became too much. I was able to grieve the loss of expectations of life. I never imagined life to be so hard. I did not expect to constantly have to work on myself. My expectations of marriage, raising kids, being an adult. My expectations of myself. I never thought I would be a high strung, up-tight, bitter person who felt like they needed to be perfect all the time. God gives us unconditional love and grace yet I was not giving myself those things that He gives us freely. I discovered tools to help me be resolved to the fact that not everything goes as I want it to. Not everything has to be perfect. I don't have to be perfect. That no one can be perfect and in my own strive for perfection I was actually being imperfect. I learned about contentment. What a burden that was lifted!

I soul searched about my relationship with my kids. It is tough to write this out loud but I was not a very loving, kind, compassionate mom. As hard as that statement is to write, the beauty in it is " I WAS". Since returning from my me time I have seen my relationship with my kids grow into a more affectionate, open, and supportive relationship. The release of guilt about my past treatment of them, the fact that sometimes the first hug or "I love you" they got wasn't until bedtime, the tears caused by my yelling, and the fear of upsetting mom, were all incredible hurdles to overcome in those weeks. As parents guilt is a huge lie Satan sneaks into our lives and at times it can be debilitating. I had allowed it to be just that in my own life. But I knew at the end of my time....whenever that was I wanted to be better for my kids and myself. Since I couldn't go back and undo I decided to start again and make a new! God's mercy remains and even if I stumble I am able to humble myself before my children and God and ask for their forgiveness. God has chosen me to fulfill a purpose in life that I can only do. One of those things He has asked me to fulfill is to be a mother to my five kids. My purpose of being a mother had been lost in a sea of guilt, shame, anger, and hopelessness. I had lost myself to those things and it was going to stop, I will no longer allow those things to consume me. I will allow God to consume me and I have started to love myself again in spite of all those things. I am now ready to bring God glory by fulfilling my purpose that He has given just to me.

I had to work on forgiveness. Sigh*** I'm still working ;) I struggle forgiving and being forgiven. Mostly I struggle with forgiving myself. There's the perfectionist in me speaking again! What is forgiveness? It is not a black and white answer. Forgiveness looks different for everyone. Everyone was raised with a different view, was subjected to different way to forgive. I realized what forgiveness looked like to me and I'm pretty sure it's a little distorted;) The good thing is I did get to some things I can do to work on forgiveness. I can not be so judgmental, not have a chip on my shoulder, not expect myself or others to be perfect, to talk through problems, not allowed distorted thinking to cloud my thoughts. Like I said this is still a work in progress but I know I have come a long way just by the realization I made during my me time.

It is a daily struggle to work on these areas of my life. It is hard to change the way you talk to yourself, act towards others, and believe, just overnight. I know there is always one thing I can do and that is to surrender to whatever God is doing inside of me. It was time for a milestone. Time to begin again and reevaluate who I really was. Was I doing everything to follow His will? No, I was just climbing aimlessly over the hills of life. He is up to something bigger than me, larger than life, something heavenly!

My prayer now is that God will show me what it is He wants from me. That I will give Him everything and surrender to whatever He is doing inside of me. At times it feels chaotic and during those times I find it hard to hard to surrender to what I cant see that I would be comforted by new found peace.

Thank you for listening and supporting me.

(PS Some of the words used in this blog were taken from a song that I have loved to listen to because I could relate to it and has helped me in my journey.)

FINALLY**Day Three- Puerto Vallarta--The Adventure!

We got up and stated day three off with butterflies in stomach and anticipation of our upcoming adventure. We decided to go to The Oceana for breakfast this morning. We had a beach side seat with a beautiful view of the crashing wave to enjoy another delicious meal.

After breakfast we went back up to our room and got our things ready. Then went down to the concierge and requested a taxi. We were quickly on our way to the Maritime Port. The ride to the port took us back through "town" where we checked out all the shops we wanted to stop by tomorrow after visiting the flea market.

We arrived at the Port and paid the $2 port tax and went and checked in at Vallarta Adventures. We were directed to a waiting area where we were soon greeted by a

adv

enture guide. He told us when and where to be in the upcoming minutes. We sat and talked like giddy school girls about the day ahead of us. We were shortly summoned to join in a group and get aboad the R.I.B(inflatable raft with a motor...like the coast guard uses) that was going to take us across the bay to the next destination of our adventure. It was beautiful seeing the coast line and pointing out our hotel that was tucked away in the midst of lush green mountains. We even got to see flying fish and sea turtles!

We arrived in a tiny little cove. The last cove on the Vallarta that you could reach by car. Anything after this cove you had to take a water taxi to get to that town/village. We were greeted by a younger, small man who thought he was God's gift to women..lol. He was funny though! From there we walked up the shore to an area where we got instructions of what we

were to do next. There we waited for a few mintues and listened to this guy tell jokes and hit on all the cute single ladies. Our ride then arrived. We loaded up the group into two huge Mercedes Benz utility trucks that had been converted and padded to take multiple people on a bumpy ride. We strapped in and headed up the mountain. We drove through little villages with almost unlivable housing and conditions. Made us very grateful for what we have. We drove past two Tequilla factories. And we drove and drove and drove some more. And it was a bumpy ride!!

Finally we reached are final destination. On the top of a mountain. We were quickly escorted

to the "fitting area" to get geared up for our mission. We got helmets and carabiners strapped to safety harnesses. We were going zip lining through the mountains of Puerto Vallarta!

Just when we thought we couldn't go up any further they took us to a barn where we were going to add yet another form of transportation to our day. We were going to be ridding burros up the mountain to where the zip lines were set up. We sat and listened to a Spanish speaking rancher trying

to speak English explain to us how to ride these things. Not sure if I got all the instructions, but oh well! We saddle up and headed up the mountain. It was no short trip(30-40 min.) and it was no easy trip. I was pretty scared at times! But what an experience.

This was it, we truly had reached our destination...Whew! When we arrived we met the guides that were going to be "showing us the ropes". They were super fun. We hiked up to our first zip line where they gave us a demonstration and taught us the do's and don'ts for the day. It was go time. We went down ...what a rush! After the first zip we hiked up what seemed to be an entire mountain to our next zip line. As you are zipping there were valleys, waterfalls and gorgeous scenery to view. It was breathtaking! After about six zip lines we got to a big river area.

We tromped through the water to a huge waterfall. We got hooked up and did a 100ft repel down the waterfall. SO FUN!

When we got through with the waterfall repel to be greeted by another zip that took us right over another smaller waterfall. The guides so graciously would pull the zip line down jsut at the

right time so that when you got to the end you would be fully submerged into the icy cold water. We did a few more zips, climbed through woods, and over bridges and came to another water fall. This time it was free fall repel.

We did two more repels after this waterfall. The last one was a double one that Matt and I got to race down. I was ahead but lost in the end. We hiked through the trails, and in and out of small rivers to get back to base. They had some snacks and water there waiting for us. We hung out for about a half and hour and then loaded back up onto the trucks to head back down the mountain. We got to talk to the tour guide that started the tree top adventures. It was neat to hear his story and about his life in Puerto Vallarta. I love meeting different people and hearing their stories. So fascinating!

We made it down to the mountain and back to the waiting area for our boat. We got on the boat and headed back to the port. We were pretty exhausted but thrilled with the adventure we had been on that day. It was a incredible experience!

When we got back to the hotel we decided to do a low key dinner. We dressed up and went to the "fancy" restaurant. We knew it would be quiet and calm--no kids were allowed...hehe. The restaurant was called Portofino. They served some of the best Italian I've ever had. We were savoring

every bite. I had Cream of Asparagus soup that was OH so YUM! I also got Lasagna that was just as good. Matt got some tenderloin or something...I can't remember. Probably because I was so into my own meal! After dinner we called it a night. We were both exhausted and ready to get rest and enjoy the next day.

This was definitely a day I will NEVER forget!

My baby is Four

Happy Birthday Rachel!