Rock, Paper, Scissors

I understand how scissors beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there is no way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile? Why can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw, scissors why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of college ruled notebook papers constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because paper can’t beat anybody. A rock would tear that stuff up in 2 seconds. When I play rock, paper, scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shoot, I’m sorry, I thought paper would protect you!